Is anybody out there...

I've really struggled with this post, it's been in my head and heart for the past few weeks.  It's not easy to admit faults and be vulnerable but this needs to be said. Maybe other missionary friends have shared in this struggle or maybe they will eventually, anyway here it is.

This has been a rough road.  I thought everything was going to be different this time around, easier.  I thought that if I had all my ducks in a row everything would fall into place and I'd be back on the field in no time.  If I have faith as small as a mustard seed I'll be back in 6 months.  If I work really hard, pray really hard, cry really hard...whine like a 6 year old.  And there's the comparison, that thief of joy.  I have this awful habit of comparing myself to other missionaries; they do this, let's try it.  They're married, they aren't alone in this or it'd be harder if I had a family...(yes I've said this to myself).  Or the terrible trap of "what are people thinking about me?"  And I struggle even typing this because I know better.  

And then a few months ago I sat down with the Lord, I did some fasting and really sought His face. And what He told me made me hold my breath.  I had made raising support an idol in my life.  It had become way more important than anything else, current relationships, relationships with my friends and supporters, my parents ("they don't understand, they've never done this") and my relationship with Jesus. Because this is my job and if you are working on ministry aren't you working alongside God the whole time? (I say this with slight sarcasm).  I'm doing ministry so I'm in God's will!  God, it's what I'm supposed to be doing!  It's what I'm working for right now! It's what my current supporters expect of me, I don't want to be wasting their money!  But how can anything be more important than Jesus?  It's hard work making Him a priority.  And I know this so what happens when things just don't go your way, and weeks go by without a word and you still have a ways to go in support with the hope that you'll go back to the field in July.  What happens when you are made to wait.  And the heavens seem silent and you just can't make yourself open up the pages of the only Book that really matters and that has the answers.  When you don't want to get up in the morning because you feel like a failure and your heart is split in two and no one understands anyway.  When you make yourself be silent because you can't stand your own self pity.  Pride is a terrible thing.

I come across the words in Romans 5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. He is constantly making me new, building me up, even when it hurts and the results aren't there. Because NOTHING is more important than He who died for us, than Him who first loved us.  Every road is different and I'm thankful that through these times He teaches me something new and makes me a better person.  Even as I re-read over these words in Romans I can feel my heart being mended by Him who made me.  

One of the many things I love about God is that He doesn't MAKE us do anything, it's our choice. Maybe that's what's so difficult for me too because relationships are hard and keeping in touch isn't really a strength of mine.  But I just want, no I feel compelled to keep moving forward, finding joy in all things because everything IS a gift.  Even the hard and silent days.  To write it down these gifts and hold them in my heart. Because I can't make myself do anything but follow Him and so I need to have faith in His faithfulness. Because He is faithful and all things work together for good for those that love God.  And even though I act like a spoiled child all the time sometimes and throw tantrums when things just don't go my way, I love God. And I know that He is faithful and His love never fails. 

Waiting is the Hardest Part

Trusting and waiting.  They go hand in hand don't they?  Well, guess what.  I'm terrible at both.  Oh, I'll encourage others to trust God's timing and wait because He's got a plan, He's in control but don't tell me that.  It's fine for other people but not me, you see, I'm special.  I'm unique.  I'm a glorious one of a kind snowflake...destined to be out there in the forefront paving the way and knowing exactly what's around the corner.  No delay for this girl, nope.  I deserve it!  I've earned it!  I've learned all I need to know.  Send me in coach, I've got it all together.
But it just doesn't happen that way.  I sit and wait, wondering what the next step is.  There's so many levels to trusting Jesus, it's like growing pains.  There are always more things to learn and ways to grow.  And I know this.  It doesn't make it any easier but I know it.  But that doesn't stop me from trying different formulas,  if I do and X and Y I'll get to point A here. If I subtract Z from W goal number 1 will happen.
I'm a missionary, I feel like I should know better by now.....
And I know that God has His plans and He sees them through.  I've seen this, I've experienced it.  And there's a reason for everything, I might not know it now but I know that He loves me.  I don't have anything profound to say other than that there's a reason in the waiting.  And I plan on seeking His face in my impatience and frustration, not to beg or plead ( not today anyway) but to just to seek out what He has to show me today about myself and my circumstances.  Even in the waiting there are blessings, even when I feel like there's nothing more I can do except get on my knees.  That constant laying down of self.   So I will wait because God is sovereign and Jesus loves me.

Psalm 27

I've missed writing.  As a hard core English Major who loved staying up into the wee hours of the morning composing poetry and doing research and working until the last second before I had to turn in a paper, switching gears to ministry has been not hard but I felt a little incomplete.  I know, I'm not supposed to feel like that but there it is.  Once in a while I get that itch to pour out my heart.  And I do that in journals but to publish and share...I miss it.  And thus, I start a blog.  Why has it taken so long you say?  Because of avoidance behavior, a.k.a procrastination and because it's hard to put myself out there, to be vulnerable.  To share my life.  I like being private. To put to shame my English Lit degree by posting grammar mistakes. (It happens). So without further ado but with reservations here it is.

Psalm 27.  It has pretty much become my mantra.  I first drawn to it a year and half ago, almost two.  It's a plea and a piece of poetry but aren't all Psalms?  It's an invitation, to seek His face.  To keep looking for good. As I continue on in this HMA (Homeland Ministry Assignment of support raising) this is my own challenge. To keep seeking His face, to ask God to keep teaching me and leading me and to keep looking for good and not just any good but the goodness of the Lord.  One thing I need to say, I am no theologian.  I never went to seminary.  I'm no scholar.  So I might take things a little literal, I might get things wrong.  But I do know that even though I'm not those things I know where I belong.

This journey has been awesome in every sense of the word; "inspiring an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration or fear."  From when I was called 5 and half years ago to now.  It's been a journey.   And I've been afraid.  And I know the journey continues and they'll be more tears and more fears but I know who holds my days in His hands.