Is anybody out there...

I've really struggled with this post, it's been in my head and heart for the past few weeks.  It's not easy to admit faults and be vulnerable but this needs to be said. Maybe other missionary friends have shared in this struggle or maybe they will eventually, anyway here it is.

This has been a rough road.  I thought everything was going to be different this time around, easier.  I thought that if I had all my ducks in a row everything would fall into place and I'd be back on the field in no time.  If I have faith as small as a mustard seed I'll be back in 6 months.  If I work really hard, pray really hard, cry really hard...whine like a 6 year old.  And there's the comparison, that thief of joy.  I have this awful habit of comparing myself to other missionaries; they do this, let's try it.  They're married, they aren't alone in this or it'd be harder if I had a family...(yes I've said this to myself).  Or the terrible trap of "what are people thinking about me?"  And I struggle even typing this because I know better.  

And then a few months ago I sat down with the Lord, I did some fasting and really sought His face. And what He told me made me hold my breath.  I had made raising support an idol in my life.  It had become way more important than anything else, current relationships, relationships with my friends and supporters, my parents ("they don't understand, they've never done this") and my relationship with Jesus. Because this is my job and if you are working on ministry aren't you working alongside God the whole time? (I say this with slight sarcasm).  I'm doing ministry so I'm in God's will!  God, it's what I'm supposed to be doing!  It's what I'm working for right now! It's what my current supporters expect of me, I don't want to be wasting their money!  But how can anything be more important than Jesus?  It's hard work making Him a priority.  And I know this so what happens when things just don't go your way, and weeks go by without a word and you still have a ways to go in support with the hope that you'll go back to the field in July.  What happens when you are made to wait.  And the heavens seem silent and you just can't make yourself open up the pages of the only Book that really matters and that has the answers.  When you don't want to get up in the morning because you feel like a failure and your heart is split in two and no one understands anyway.  When you make yourself be silent because you can't stand your own self pity.  Pride is a terrible thing.

I come across the words in Romans 5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. He is constantly making me new, building me up, even when it hurts and the results aren't there. Because NOTHING is more important than He who died for us, than Him who first loved us.  Every road is different and I'm thankful that through these times He teaches me something new and makes me a better person.  Even as I re-read over these words in Romans I can feel my heart being mended by Him who made me.  

One of the many things I love about God is that He doesn't MAKE us do anything, it's our choice. Maybe that's what's so difficult for me too because relationships are hard and keeping in touch isn't really a strength of mine.  But I just want, no I feel compelled to keep moving forward, finding joy in all things because everything IS a gift.  Even the hard and silent days.  To write it down these gifts and hold them in my heart. Because I can't make myself do anything but follow Him and so I need to have faith in His faithfulness. Because He is faithful and all things work together for good for those that love God.  And even though I act like a spoiled child all the time sometimes and throw tantrums when things just don't go my way, I love God. And I know that He is faithful and His love never fails.